My battle with depression began when I was 12 years old. It was as if a dark, evil shadow crawled into my brain and completely changed how I viewed the world. Everything felt so incredibly dark, so sad, so lonely. The world suddenly became a dark and cruel place in my eyes. I tried to imagine a happy future but all I saw was more darkness. I could no longer find happiness in the things that once made me happy. Even smiling felt so inauthentic and forced. I wanted to be happy and I tried to be happy but I couldn't make it happen. I felt damaged and bitter from my childhood and completely unworthy of love. I started hating myself. I felt so down and so lost that I would make bad decisions and then I'd hate myself even more.
I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live in this world feeling like this. It was unbearable. I began contemplating suicide. I became obsessed with it. I decided that the only way to end my misery was to end my life. I was only 12 years old, still a child and I felt life had defeated me already. Over the course of a few months I came up with a plan. One night, I felt like I couldn't live with this misery for one more second and I wrote my suicide note to my family and had a bottle of sleeping pills in my hand and I was ready. But I just couldn't do it. I sat and cried and tried to work up the nerve to do it but I couldn't. Something inside me was telling me I had to keep going, I had to keep fighting. I couldn't give up. I realized I had to be strong, giving up wasn't an option. I had to keep fighting for happiness and have faith in myself and in life that I could be happy.
I wish I could say I beat depression that night but I didn't. Not even close. I would have to fight that battle on and off for years but that day that I chose to not end my life was the day I became a survivor. I knew that if I could experience such darkness and such sadness and still not give up then I was strong. Being in touch and connected to my inner strength gave me confidence. I knew in that moment that this was something I needed to go through. I needed to experience this and learn from it. This was part of my story and it made me who I am today. It allowed me see that my life's mission and the reason I walk this earth is to help people going through hard times. My soul needs to help people heal. Depression took part of my childhood from me. It stole my innocence. I wasn't going to let it steal my future. It wasn't going to steal my hopes and dreams. I knew I was going to create my dream life, be happy and help other people that are going through hard times.
I am so happy that I listened to my intuition and found my strength that night and chose not to end my life. I'm grateful to be alive. I think of everything I would have missed, all the experiences I've had, all the things I've seen, and all the people that I've met along the way. I would have missed out on growing up and creating the life I want. Life is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I've had to go through other hard times in life and it hasn't always been smooth sailing, but I love my life and I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the storms because storms make survivors. My storms have made me who I am. No matter what life throws at me I will continue to survive and grow and learn and fight for my happiness.
I'm a work in progress and I'm okay with that. I've learned the importance of taking care of myself. Self care is and always will be a part of my daily life now. Self care isn't just for people will mental health problems, we all need to take care of ourselves. We all need to find the things that heal us and connect us to our souls. To bring us back to who we are. To allow us a moment to actively love ourselves and rest in that loving space. To just be present.
If you're reading this and you're going through something in life and feel like you just can't do it anymore, I promise you from my heart to yours....you are strong enough to get through this! You are a survivor! Tell yourself that every day. Fight for your happiness. Every single day! Fight for it. Obsessively and relentlessly. Believe in it. Know that you deserve it. Be grateful for it before you even have it. Show up for life. Be kind to yourself. Create the life you want, no matter what it takes. When you feel like life is just too hard and you can't do it anymore remind yourself: "I am strong as hell and I WILL get through this!"
I've found my happiness and I know that even if life gets dark again I can and will fight my way back to the light again.